It has taken me seven weeks to get to where I am — and only in the last week and a half have I started to see things clearly (out of a love-struck fog filled with excuses and misinterpretations.) 

It started with a stupid fight at a mall followed by a break-up e-mail (tacky, I know.) Yes, after being involved and in love with someone for a year and a half, I got dumped via e-mail.  This event inspired self-loathing, questions of self-worth and far too much time focused on trying to figure out what I did wrong.

This was not the first breakup.  She had come and gone and come and gone for months — and I let her. She’d break my heart and return a couple days or a few weeks later with a half-hearted apology and I’d submit easily. I foolishly believed that because I loved her so much that she’d change and suddenly be ready to commit and stay.

Of course, clarity didn’t happen until the final breakup and in the last seven weeks I have been able to see exactly who she is and who she is not and what kind of person she is.  My feelings have been exhausted — my feelings of concern, of love, of sympathy, of kindness.  I had been worn down.

I spent the entire relationship justifying her shitty behaviour to my family, my friends — and worst of all, myself.  Bottom line, she treated me like garbage and I more or less said, “That’s fine because I love you.”  That’s not love.  That’s just a lack of self-respect.

Two weeks after she sent that awful e-mail, she was already out licking “a totally hot” girl’s vagina.  So much for “just being gay for me.” I know this because a month after, I got a phone call from her telling me she was now introducing her to her friends.  She started doing things with this random chick in less than a month socially — the same things I had asked for — that took her over nine months to do with me.  Fuck you.

A week later, she called me again to tell me she wasn’t in love with me anymore.  I saw her again for the last time and really saw her.  I finally saw her for who she was — disrespectful, hurtful and plain mean.

I took off to Mexico and cleared my head.  Soul-searched and returned home stronger, happier and with a healthier, better perspective on things.

I received a “like” on instagram on Clark’s photo (which I get, because my dog is a stud), two text messages and most recently a missed call.  None of which I decided was worth acknowledging or addressing.  Her brother started following me on Instagram (weird) and I still deal with constant reminders of my poor choices.

But I respected her, I respected the relationship and only now am I starting to really respect myself. A bunch of impulses is not enough for me to forgive shitty treatment. 

Honestly, I don’t even think she did any of this intentionally.  She’s just a really selfish person — and as a result of her self-involvement, she hurt me. She spent all her time disregarding my feelings and position on things just to satisfy whatever she decided she needed when she wanted it.  That is not okay.

I did things right.  I loved whole-heartedly.  I was loyal, honest and true to her.  I spent six weeks feeling like I lost something big — when the reality is, it was she that actually lost out.  Good luck finding someone who cared as purely as I did.  No one should be treated like a doormat.

I won’t stand for shitty treatment by anyone anymore.